Through My Seasons | Reflections on Accountability | by Alyssa
Perfectionism can lead to self-isolation. I get to change and be more ‘real’ in order to gain a broader perspective and support. This is not a cry for help but a moment to reveal some truths about how 2022 has been for me.
I have made breakthroughs in my life to be self reliant and self motivated, but in doing that I have kept hidden the parts that I have perceived as ‘weakness.’ This is me being accountable to what I preach. It’s okay to not always be at your best condition, but you can still do your best in those moments.
Truthfully, I have been fighting for my health but I have been making strides in my mental health and business development. Being in chronic pain has a way of making everything seem less relatable because of irritability, tolerance, fatigue, and a broad range of emotions. Feelings and thoughts of betrayal because my body hasn’t been able to function in the ways that I love to express it.
This isn’t a new story, the majority of my life I have endured suffering in my physical, mental, and emotional. This has been what I hope is the final test because I deserve a life free of suffering. Everyone deserves this as an inherent right.
I discovered that I had advanced stage precancerous polyp growths in my colon this past week. While this was not the primary cause of the continued pain, I am so grateful to have made the discovery. They were removed and pathology results confirmed that I am cancer free and the pain has subsided some. I get to monitor this, possibly for the rest of my life. I am also recovering from post infectious issues. I nearly died in the Amazon.
I had fear and confusion, especially with my body and the tools I relied on to support me. Nothing could support me as much as rest and allowing for space to gain clarity. The tools I have developed can support me and I can still support others. I get to continue to heal and ask for support without shame of fearing judgment because I am not at my 100% best. I get to take accountability for my toxic perfectionism traits and transform them into healthy actions by being honest. I’ll share more later. Thanks for your patience.
Through my seasons poem by Alyssa
I am noticing the seasons within myself as they play a part in the extraction of my life played out. I sit with myself, asking and pondering…when will all in-doubt be with-out? Within the seasons of me, I continue to see my fall and rise as the implant of seeds root deep within the mineralization of me.
Connected through the breeze as the pollinators of my senses sting my awareness to seizes every bit of nectar, to uplift and feel and fill this life with an illustrious victory like Hector. There I find within the reflections of all my imperfections, that it becomes life, within the beauty of all that can be. Within the flowerings and downpours that come with the spring, the new flowerings rise to be.
Then like a wave of heat basking in the sun, bright as can be, uplifted and kissed by pure Vitamin D. Giving thanks to the expansion of the sky, no need to ponder or ask am questions why. Simply being in the light with a sigh. As the days continue to rise in heat and temperature, so do I. In purging and purifying, full activation of life force. All to the light. All into delight.
The summer passes on my seasons and I cascade into the fall. The storms they come again, branches crashing, thoughts like thunder and lightning clashing until the stillness of all befalls. Slowly in my dismantling becoming one with decay, I whisper to the echos to of the earth to show me the way home.
The roots carry the transference in a language mirrored to psilocybin. The fibers of the trees preserve the fibers of my bones like an intelligent channel. The blood purifies with every whisper of the tones and hums of every ancient language connecting me to all. On the cusp, like a black hole between life and death within the soil, deeply rooted, the seed lies dormant. There, I am cultivating again, in the cold and stillness of my winter. Learning to expand my breath, quite my mind, feeling and listening to the teachings of the connection that is meant to be.
Oh let it be, these cycles of me. With deep appreciation and gratitude of my own life ascension, I am alive! I am purified through my seasons.
Though the storms they weather my bones and the decay feels like all might fade away…there…within a seed of hope sprouts a system anew! Like the neurological networks within my brain I knew that I could renew. Rooted in connection with the ancient and the new. Assimilated like a black hole, in fully expanded implosion. That was what was at the threshold of the door in the dreams where I implored across all timelines of my cycles.
I fought for my life through decay to gain passage to all that is alive. I am always at the threshold of the door, ready to be explored.
